I found my “Fiftiness” this morning folded into child’s pose on a dog-hair covered area rug on my family room floor. It was in the dark quiet stillness of those moments before the sun peaks into the front windows and the shower starts upstairs, signaling that within 30 minutes, my house will be buzzing with sound, people, needs, work, writing, cooking, eating, exercise, paperwork and should’s, . . . oh so many should’s.
It was 50 days until my 50th birthday. I knew that because I have a countdown app on my phone.
When I saw the number, I felt overwhelmed because I thought I should probably do something – lots of something’s in fact.
All those should’s went to bed with me the previous night. They knotted themselves together into a tight unmanageable ball while I slept, just like my headphones twist into relentless knots in my purse when left unattended for just a few minutes.
In an effort to untangle the knot in my stomach on the next morning, I decided that some slow, deep breathing in child’s pose was in order.
On the floor, muscles groaning because it had been at least two weeks since I did anything resembling yoga or stretching, peace eluded me as my mental to-do list grew. The slow breathing was helping a little, but it wasn’t the answer for my plague of should’s.
So amid the breath, I prayed. (Shamefully, this is often my last resort).
And it came to me: My 50th birthday falls on Easter Sunday. I’m a Christian, and this is our holiest of Holy days. What better message than for me to realize that my pending birthday – the source of my sense of “should” — falls on the day when we celebrate His greatest of gifts. It’s a day of promise and hope. And I felt grateful.
I know that our website speaks to women of multiple faiths, backgrounds and political leanings. But gratitude and its power is a universal truth.
Life and hope and renewal are available to everyone who is still drawing breath, to anyone who can choose to be grateful. Should’s steal our joy. Should’s are rooted in comparison and guilt and feelings of not being enough, having enough and doing enough. But the practice of gratitude completely changes the perspective.
All of my should’s fell away when I remembered Easter and my blessings that come with it. That helped me turn “should’s” into “can’s” and “get to’s.”
That’s what I mean about finding my Fiftiness: it’s going to be an age of opportunity for me.
My anxiety lessened at the thought. I’d be lying if I said that I was cured of my “should’s”. The truth is that some of them have already crept back into my thought processes. I believe we have to be intentional about keeping them at bay, intentional about returning to a place of gratitude. I intentionally got down on my knees in that pre-dawn hour 50 days out from my 50th, partly because I didn’t know what else to do. For me, gratitude has to be a daily choice, sometimes a minute-by-minute choice.
I re-started my gratitude journal, and I
know I should get to write it in everyday as I race toward my 50th birthday and the start of my Fiftiness.